"As I began to love myself"

=by Charlie Chaplin=

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!

mumbles

halfway through second sem. 

感谢脑残的project manager,我的工作量突然增加很多

相信找完全新加坡应该找不到第二个和她一样脑残的

也相信找完全新加坡应该找不到第二个在我这个职位竟然会这么忙

起初接着份工就图轻松，我可以专心上课

没想到遇到脑残的女人

把工地的工作当家家酒

她的一句话我做多了好多不切实际不必要的工作

没工地的经验竟然可以坐上这位子

真够脑残

她拿那种薪水竟然时间多到还可以怀孕

我拿那一丁点的薪水忙的要呕

我是女的都受不了了。*眼球翻到后脑勺翻不回来了！！！*

上个学期真的不知道怎么过的。

final week还依旧忙工作，吃了晚餐回到家休息一下，冲凉，看戏一下(对！我竟然还有时间看戏！) ding dong ding dong 开始要学书时已经10点多了 囧 喔对，我其实还有在工地继续留下来，图有大monitor,冷气,桌子椅子什么的。就留到7点多就走了，离家太远没办法啦。同班几个政府部门的竟然还有一天的study leave，考试当天还有exam leave!!!什么啊啊啊 然后周末依然洗衣烫衣抹地+学书！！！突然就发现我怎么好像octopus ahhhhhh XD

考final当天我还可以上半天班，走工地，处理问题 然后搭cab去考试 囧

这个sem不知道要怎么熬了。。工作突然忙了 唉

原来又要工作又要上课的一个人真的很难熬下去

很难。。

突然发现。。原来我是我自己唯一的拐杖。只有我一个人撑着自己走

someday

i will burn that certificate of mine
someday
dam the water dam
for creating so much fuss in my years =.=

time to say goodbye

its very heavy to leave
i hate to leave
especially leaving this site
the place where i grow up at
i regret not to be able to see the birth of the tiling profile of the rooms and toilets, which i proposed.
i regret not to see the birth of the screeding of the planter boxes. i proposed the water fall levels ohhh. okay i know its easy, but I was without any knowledge on those things.
im gonna miss
the concrete the cement the brick
the rebar the wire mesh
the formwork
the columns the beams the slabs the staircases the lift walls the acotec wall panels the swimming pool the koi pond the studio unit the 1bedroom unit the 2bedrooms unit the basements the substation
the workers and site supervisors whom i always teased
the site engineers(structural and m n e)
and especially, the man

geared up with my 5kg of safety harness for the one last time this morning
bidding everything on site farewell deep inside my heart

 guess they would cast this piece of slab on coming tuesday or wednesday

 the container office of main contractor. RE RTO room and meeting room are below this.

Bid his staffs farewell.
an uncle senior engineer who always bully me said, "eh we will miss u leh.. eh really really.. monday u what time lunch? Majid lorry have, we go find u"
its very touched to have him to said so. just dont care whether will he do it, but he has that heart, that makes me very touched.
Safety Coordinator, who always check on me whether i have my phone with me, cause i dropped my phone on site before and had a really good time searching high and low for it =.= , said that he will miss me too! my heart got even heavier...... one wont know how heavy it is for me to leave. i hate leaving these people!!!
Majid, the main con's driver, also got shocked when knowing that its my last day today. those general workers whom I'm quite okay with also looked unbelievable..
its at least 10mths time that we got together. the bond is there

only that man always bully me =.=
even on my last day still teased me =.=

低潮

此時此刻的我

只想

TT________________TT

等

等待

衍生了焦慮、不安

雖知道耶和華以勒是必預備的神

我必須學習順服

等待祂的時間

但是我還是會焦慮，會不安

@@

在等待的當兒

積寶！

沒中過積寶。生平第一次中積寶了！=P

zzzzzzzz

aloha~ it's been a while i know. sorry peeps *ehiuks*

i wanna go shopping~~~

my shopaholic worm creeps! oh no~

but i have no extra money for a shopping spree zzzzzz

if i were to swipe swipe swipe and swipe....

i bet i just so gonna sit at a corner quietly at the end of the month,

looking on the phone,

waiting for it to ring,

with my dad as the caller

to sweep me!

LOL

oh well.....

tata... till then again hahaha

p.s.: one more month. sigh

plans

wanna go home.

*shrugs*

wanna go home

semester break.

initially i didnt plan to go back

firstly, i wanted to go up to KL

secondly, it's just a merely 7-10 days of holidays

months after my plan to KL

i changed my plan

i wanted to stay in johor here

got stuck in UTM with my rice cooker also nvm

by the time i wanted to go home

the airfare was around RM700++ for round trip

then, i didnt manage to go back.

ended up visiting malacca

noW 

i WANNA go home

but

no more holidays.

the only thing i can do is

countdown for Nov 14

i can go back earlier than Nov 14

but i plan to go malacca again >.<

have to go city square for elizabeth's hello kitty

i miss U

lynn, elizabeth, chinmei, kelyn, hungsuai, emyn, zining....

i miss U

wanna see U all right now.

can i

GO HOME NOW????

God is great!

Ticket booked! back to kuching on the 5th. back to johor again on the 12th for the surveying camp next day.
God's gracious. suddenly thought of asking my dad to buy the tickets. he agreed! and i dont have to pay a single cent! *claps*


and yea.. i am NOT going to change the tickets back here on the 12th of july. found senior and course mates back here on that day also. some more.. same flight with kienyung also. why change? *praise the Lord*







first date back to kuching----> yamcha with neo koko...

anyone next?

*miraclepanda will be updated moro...*

i AM trying hard

TRYING hard to talk less.
i couldnt zip my mouth completely.
i WILL go crazy

MUST

i must go back on the week before survey camp!!!!
must MUST MUST!!!! by hook or by crook.
sending my laptop and some useless clothes back is one of the reasons...
I MUST GO BACK!!!!!
God bless me le........*fingers crossed*

touched

this is nice. got it from emyn's friend's blog. emyn, thanx to ur friend,pamela. hehe...





最后一次

在我最后一次
闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你

在你怀里
舍不得放弃
心里有千言万语还没说给你听

我使尽全力
不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇

不能再陪你
但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

先走了
去了好远的地方

不能再陪你看日出
等不到天亮

所有回忆 抹去
却并不容易
生死由天决定
不要太伤心

在我最后一次
闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你

在你怀里
舍不得放弃
心里有千言万语还没说给你听

我使尽全力
不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇

不能再陪你
但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

在我最后一次
闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你

在你怀里
舍不得放弃
心里有千言万语还没说给你听

我使尽全力
不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇

不能再陪你
但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

我
永远
爱你...

erm

i need painkiller.. but dun dare to take any. painkiller has its own side effects.
i need a massaging hammer.. yup, agAIN.. sigh...


*********


4months plus. wat did i get?
四個多月。。我得到了什麼？

I'M STILL LIVING IN THE PAST!
我還活在過去的回憶里!
i dun feel good
感覺。。。很不好。


i'm about to finish the sitcom 'ming zhong zhu ding wo ai ni'
‘命中注定我愛你’ 看了快完了。。
a change...
蛻變。。。
can i make it?
我可以嗎？
for who,i change?
又為了誰而做出改變呢？

4pm's lectures..
4点的課。。
changed my hairstyle alil
髪型改了。。
few classmates were quite shocked [well,i didnt cut my hair,juz tied it up differently]
同班的有一兩個看了傻眼 ［並沒剪髪，只是綁了下下］
after the hols,thought of a lil change.
假期回來，有点想做出些些改變
dressing,hairstyle,and even character if i'm able to do so..
穿著上，髪型上，性個 ［若可以的話。。］



can i live out from the past memories?
我 可 以 從 過 去 活 出 來 嗎？

stupid!

suddenly thought of happenings on 20/5/08...
things happened were just like it was on yesterday..
still can feel the pain...x_____________x
i'm so stupid.

fact? is it?

helped out with some decoration last night. JKM is running the mooncake fest celebration. and i'm under publicity and also decoration team. it's 12midnite when the leaders allowed us to off.

saw munchy with some bio info guys at ukit. sat there and chit chatted for a while. then the gang dismisssed ourselves. walked along with the two bio info guys, as their block is just opposite to mine. short conversation while walking. one of them started the conversation by saying tat i have lotsa boyfriends when he saw me texting. of cause i said nope. he brought up ah cheik. explaination done. hahaz.. then i said relationship thingy cant be rushed after, problems will arise when picked a lame one. :rofl:

"it's hard to get a lame guy when in uni," he said.





ponder: ouh yea, true also.. university liao worh... lame guys wont be in uni.. agree? haha...



"need to see if got electric or not oso mar..." i added.









he then strongly promoted his friend, who was walking along with us also. haha...
then i joked and said "see how lor.. out for a drink next time to see if got electric or not lor... haha.."
"u didnt tell him ur name, how to 'pei yang gan qing'[read in chinese] worh?"
shocked mode. sounded serious. so introduced myself to his friend. and so did tat guy introduce himself to me. haha...











it's sort of a fact. there wont be lame guys in university. especially local uni. true wat...







sounds like.. i'd have to think of some silly thingy agAIN ey? haha...




*going singapore moro, to send my mac to clinic. dont think i can wait till 26th. haha...*


ehren, safe journey to uk. keep in touch!^^

blunt

*four more days to go back to kuching!!!!! kuching fest, wait for me!!!!!!!!!*

applied mechanics on tomorrow night, 8pm. the chapter of moment of force i'm still blurr-ing. got 3D 3D thingy kok... haiz... eboon, i die liao... although it's only a test, it takes up 20% in final. sei lar sei lar... i dunNo who to ask. dont dare to ask course mates and seniors, cause if i asked and they were to teach, they'll have to teach me from the very basic part, scare that they'll get mad when they realized that i'm actually so so so so stupid. wish that xiangyi is off the same course with me, then can ask him. at least, he knows how terrible is my physics. but sadly, different groups. subjects taken are different. so cannot ask him. senior and course mates did ofer help, but i rejected, cause dont dare to trouble them. eboon arrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! i die liao lar...........T____T












did i say that i'm blunt before? hmm...
i'm here in johor for about two months in days to come. without noticing time is flying, suddenly realized that i'm actualy A university student now! [okay, i know, i'm blunt. dont stone throw me ey..=x] last night while walking back to room after sending ginseng tea, i came to a realization out of a sudden that i'm now staying in campus! staying with people who are younger than me(matrix students), same age with me, and also older than me(either went through transition or seniors). can meet with course mates and seniors at any time i want. meetings held during night time. group discussions also at night. amazing ey? cause all these while during schooling days, meetings and group discussions are all in the afternoon when classes are over. u can have ur course mates or seniors to ta pao for u if u dont feel like going out for meal. and the feeling is really.........


much more than COMPLICATED...


i'm not any excited now. only during the first day i reached here. as days passed, i'm emo x_x







the feeling i have now is really complicated.
it's like............

"why things changed out of a sudden?"
i dont understand.
i know this can train me to be independent.
but but but... i thought i'm very independent all these while..???!! since primary three i already learned to take care of my brother. cause my brother was primary one back then. and since primary one, my parents werent beside me during break time like any other children's parents. cause they had to work.
i memang dont understand all these.








it's mid of august.
suddenly realized that i'm now 19th!!!!!!
i'm 20 in less than four months' time. OMG........ i really dont realized that i'm 19 all these while. didnt really treasure it. i wont be in my teens anymore in months' time. and some more, i RUINED my 19 ey..... OMG..............................................


T____________________________T




i should treasure the numbered days of my 19th start from now lar..... blurb......





[have to go reload agAIN tomorrow. i last reloaded it on the 4th of august with an amount of RM30!!!!!x_x]

emo-ing...

missing all my friends like nuts



LOVE u all.. muacks..XD

emo-ing

emo-ing......

university's life is really different from secondary'.
suddenly realized that i dont have much friends around
when scrolling down my contact lists.
although i can have more than 250 contacts,
couldnt find someone to talk to.
speaking from my heart, i mean.
people around now....
room mate is room mate
classmates are classmates
course mates are course mates
2nd year seniors are still 2nd year seniors
and same goes to the 3rd year seniors.
they are all still a long way to be "friends", to me tho.
hmmmm
let me make it clearer this way.
when describing sth ur seniors told u to ur friends,
u wont address ur seniors as "friends"
but "seniors" instead.
this situation same goes to room mate,classmates and also course mates.
u'll say "ouh, my room mate/classmates/course mates/seniors said this this this and this."
u wont say "ouh, my friends said this this this and this."
understand?
sigh....
one month plus here d..
now baru start to get emo.
i'm blunt ey?
x______________________________x

story...

曾经看过一个故事，说是一个女孩和一个男孩相爱，那女孩爱的是那样的深，那样的切。似乎她的生命中只有这个男孩是她的唯一，每天女孩总会穿过一条马路去为那男孩买早点，然后回来的时候为男孩细心烧煮，烧好了，才会小心地喊男孩起床，而那男孩总是会在女孩的喊声中才会中朦胧的睡意中醒来。匆匆的吃饭，上班。

可是，有一天，女孩在过马路的时候，被车子撞伤了，丢失了一条胳膊，撞伤的原因其实很简单，是因为女孩怕男孩迟到，想快一点过马路。

男孩听说女孩撞伤了之后，第一天很伤心地带了玫瑰去看望，在医院里，他看到了少了一条胳膊的女孩，当他知道女孩将永远失去这条胳膊的时候，就再也没有去看望过。而那女孩的床头始终放着的就是那男孩第一天买去的玫瑰花，女孩的心就如这玫瑰花一样渐渐的枯萎了，这就是爱了。女孩为男孩付出了一切，而那男孩却连这一点点小小的安慰都不曾给这个付出了一条胳膊的女孩。

记得有一幅漫画是这样说的：你能在大雨里捧着花在我家门前等待吗？你能在千人万人的海滩里认出我游泳衣的颜色来吗？你能在众人的目光里坦然的为我洗袜子吗？你能在大难来临时紧紧握住我的手吗？画面上，先是如林密举的手臂，一排一排的放下，又一排一排的放下，再一排一排的放下了，到最后，只有一片空白.看完了这幅漫画，我觉得心好冷，只为了那一片空白，只为了那一句你能在大难来临时握住我的手吗？简单的一句话，可为什么不能？难道爱真的这样脆弱，这样的经不起一点的磨难？经不起一点的风雨？多少的爱情，只有彩虹，没有风雨，多少的人生，只有快乐，没有痛苦，爱的时候，都只会说，你是我的永远，可是到了危难的时候，又有谁能够做到再牵住对方的手？牵着那份曾经的爱？





copied this from creax actually.. hmm.. a nice post. enjoy!

*****


guess i'm 'immuned' to the boy-gurl thingy for this moment. *shrugs*
went for the JKM (jawatankuasa mahasiswa) day last night. met lotsa seniors there, but not my direct tho.. they were saying wat my direct failed to chase a gurl of his class so now wanna chase me. and a gurl senior oso said that anather senior,cheehow wanna chase me etc etc.
and overall,my reaction was like "ouh okay..=l"
blurb...~.~"
gary, a senior, said the way i laugh very special. OMG... normal nia lei... and kept asking me to join biro perpaduan cause he wans to listen to my laughters. -__________-"""
texted zhiming to thank him for giving me notes yesterday. then we started crapping from treating him a meal till taking me as rib bones to BBQ. -_________-"
tell u all wat.. when u see zhiming, he doesnt look like someone who will make fun of others. in other words, he looks like 'lau sit kia'.
when zhiming brought his books and notes to cengal to meet me around 7pm yesterday, i was eating and biting vege. once i saw him, i was like 'ouh gosh, u're here without telling me earlier!'. so i stood up at tat instant while biting tat stupid vege. gary and cheehow were there. and i didnt realize it!!!! both of them were half dead making fun of me by tat scene when at DSM.. derrrrrrr... gary said wat actually i dont have to respect zhiming at all. wat more to say tat standing up when seeing him to show ur respect with a vege. alamak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shy ei.....................
x_______________________________x




[going for a dinner with zhiming later. to treat him for the sake of the notes. going alone with him? *shrugs* cause asked course mate to follow but he didnt want to....]

sien

*day 25 after the break up*

having few layers of skin care products applied on my face recently before work and sleep. First first, face toner, then eyecream, last last moisturizing cream. Haiz… hope my skin condition can get better by using these thingy in a short time ler…

******

long didn’t blogging. Felt kinda sorry for my blog. Lol… mum said have to sleep earlier, like before 11pm, cause my face started to have more pimples popping out.. So these days I’d sleep right after my bath if working on full or afternoon shift. But when I have the time to blog, my pc broke down.*sigh long long*

finally made it to watch a movie on Wednesday nite. Went with zining. Wanted to watch narnia *cause tat day was the last day for narnia on cinema* But the show time was early. 7pm… so ended up watching kungfu panda which was on 8pm. Boooohoooooo….. it’s great. Super funny. Had a good good laugh.. rofl… the movie theater was full with people and laughter’s. the front rows were nearly full also.

Ponder: why must we eat popcorn when watching movie at cinema? Hmm… will never understand tat. Lol…

Went pumped petrol on Thursday nite. Well, like wat I’ve calculated.. RM70 per pump to full tank with one petak of petrol left.

-_____________-"

how to SURVIVE????? Blurb….

++++++

wanna quit

wanna quit

wanna quit

wanna quit

wanna quit

wanna quit

ME WANNA QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

People there sucks! Making me sick! Not only uneducated but also uncivilised. SHYT! If not for the sake of commission, I’d have quitted by now. If not being considerable, I’d have quitted also. People there are no joke sucks. They will bite you even if you don’t bite them. Thinking tat they’re better than you. And these people are what you all call “la kia”! they are really teruk lar…. SHYT! Not working happily there. Damn….

ME WANNA QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!